Meat Hook Dangling Craze Mystifies Police

Okay, tell me that you could see this headline on cnn.com and NOT click the link. Yeah, right. Liar.

It would seem that a few folks in Miami, Florida decided that a relaxing way to enjoy the weather on Sunday was to hang themselves from meat hooks suspended from a frame. Here's part of the story...

"They found that five young people had erected a bamboo tripod and hung meat hooks from it. A young woman, her feet brushing the surface of the shallow water, dangled from the frame, hooks embedded firmly in her shoulders.

According to a Coast Guard video, she did not seem to mind the hooks."(Reuters)

When I first read this story, I thought that maybe the hooks were just running under their arms. Then I got to the word "embedded". It would also seem that this group of folks "had clearly done this before and intended to post photos of themselves on a Web site dedicated to "body modification" -- the ritualistic piercing of the body."

Now, I'm all for people being able to do what they want to do to their own bodies. However, I do reserve the right to say "eeeewwwww!".

I've never really understood the attraction of "body modification", and I'm pretty certain that I'll never get drunk enough to try it. Tattoos, piercings, oversized earrings, tongue studs. I just don't understand the attraction.

If you're going to get a tattoo, make certain that it's something that you can stay dedicated to for the rest of your life. My stepfather has a tattoo on his shoulder. It has the name of his ex-wife inside of a heart. Ask him if he regrets having that one done.

I have a younger brother that has tattoos and some body piercings, one of which was a nipple ring that was forcibly removed by someone that accidentally hooked their finger through the ring in the middle of a mosh pit. I think that's a pretty good testimonial for not getting one.

Is it really important that people have oversized earlobes? I wasn't aware that some folks think that their earlobes need to hang a bit lower, and the best way to accomplish the task is to force sections of pipe into them so they wind up large enough to put a golf ball through them.

I've seen photos of women with lots of piercings in their "nether regions", and I can't imagine that I could ever have sex with one of them. First of all, they�re really hot and 15 years younger than me, so that kind of limits the possibility there. But I also think that if I ever were to have sex with a woman like that, I would not be able to stop thinking that I was going to puncture either her or me with all the metal floating around down there. I will admit, a woman with a diamond stud in her navel, that's kind of erotic. But I think that's about as far south as I would want any hardware on my woman.

And tongue studs? I've heard that it helps with oral sex, makes it more pleasurable. People, if you need a tongue stud to make oral sex more pleasurable for your partner, you're just not doing it right in the first place. Seriously. I've enjoyed moments of oral sex in my lifetime where it was so intense I came close to having an out-of-body experience. And guess what? She wasn't wearing a tongue stud. You're just not working it folks.

Still, don't read this as a damning of your lifestyle if you are of the "body modification" set. Congratulations. Enjoy. Full steam ahead. If you can find people that share your interests, make friends with them. Share your special moments with them. Life is short, and if you can find something that helps you get through the day, and it's not causing harm to others, go for it. Just remain committed. And know that your grandkids might think your Maori face tattoo, that hole in your tongue, and your earlobes brushing your shoulders are a little strange.

I'll be the one sitting in the beach chair. Not the one hanging from the meat hooks out in the surf.