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Bad Design
2004-07-15 - 1:57 p.m.

Just the other day, I was stabbed. I got out of the car, opened the rear driver-side door, reached in to get something out of the back seat, and someone pulled out a dagger and stabbed me in the back.

At least that's what it felt like. A dagger, right in the center of my back. I couldn't breathe, couldn't stand up straight, and I couldn't understand what I had done wrong. I know that I've got a bad back, and that I've thrown out my back before, but this was like no other time that I had thrown out my back. Just a single, sharp, breath-taking pain right in the center of my back where my back starts to become butt.

Back pain is a strange ailment. It can basically incapacitate you, and the downside is that it's invisible. You can be in so much pain that blinking can somehow make you cry, but the rest of the world can't see anything wrong with you. It would be easier if you did have the dagger sticking out of your back, because people would believe you were in pain. As it is, you look like a big fake.

I know that both Dusty and Judd have also been having back problems recently, and I can feel their pain. Quite literally. Although, in a contest, and I think that Judd would agree, Dusty wins. My back hurts, but not so bad that I've ever had to have surgery. Dusty, I bow to your superior inferior back. If I could move enough to bow.

So, I have come to a decision. The engineer that designed the human back needs to be fired. You might think that God designed the human back, and that for me to suggest firing him would be blasphemy. I would prefer to think of the Senior Back Design Engineer position as a sub-contractor. And he needs to have his ass soundly beaten.

It has to be a flawed design. I realize that on other people, the back seems to work just fine. On me the back seems to function well, as long as I don't use it to support anything other than a head and two arms. Hang anything else on my back and all bets are off.

So, if you were that shoddy craftsman that designed my useless back, realize that IT'S ON! I'm coming for you!

As soon as I can stand. And move.


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