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Shouty McBlabbermouth
2004-07-22 - 4:41 p.m.

I went to a Burger King for lunch the other day. I'm a vegetarian, and Burger King is one of the few places that offer a veggie burger. So take notice, McDonald's!

Anyway, on this trip to Burger King, I met Shouty McBlabbermouth.

Shouty came into the restaurant with her husband and four kids. Shouty was dressed in a stunning outfit, complete with navy blue shorts, sleeveless sweater (you know, so you can better see her bra straps and shoulder tattoos), and open-toed shoes to show off her two-week old toenail polish (rapidly chipping away as she dragged her feet). All clothing was about one size too small. Shouty is probably very proud that she can still wear the same clothes that she wore before she was pregnant. The look was completed with a fe-mullet hairstyle, proudly proclaiming her inbred heritage.

The husband was wearing standard NASCAR fan garments: #328 Darryl Earnwallace cap, T-shirt with the sleeves rolled up, and skintight jeans hitched up around his 29-inch waist. Dirty engineers boots (steel toe, of course) completed the ensemble. Skinny guy. Didn't get the memo that the "heroin chic" look is over.

Her daughters names were Sally, Trinity, Heather, and Cheryl. I know their names because Shouty was talking to them so loud that everyone in the restaurant knew their names. And Shouty wanted to know what they wanted to eat, because they "had to make up their minds now, so that we can tell the lady what you want when we get to the counter". She proceeds to read off selections from the menu board to the kids: "Do you want a cheeseburger and fries, or do you want a kids meal? Maybe a Whopper Jr? Do you want fries, or do you want the onion rings?" She's shouting so much that as I'm in line ahead of her ordering my meal, the cashier is ringing up Shouty's order instead of mine, because Shouty is all she can hear.

After I get my food and sit down, I try to position myself on the other end of the restaurant, away from the table where her husband has the kids finally sitting down.

Shouty: "Sally!"

Shouty's Husband: "She's here at the table!"

Shouty: "I know! Does she want fries or onion rings?!"

This goes on the whole time that Shouty is ordering for the family. And everyone in the place knows what they're having for lunch.

When you were a kid, and you were being too loud somewhere, didn't your Mother ever come over to you and say "inside voice"? I sooooo, wanted to do that to this lady. What possesses someone to talk that loud? And Trinity? Did you name your kid for your favorite character in The Matrix or something? Turn down the volume a notch! Shouty would be the kind of person that you'd see somewhere talking too loud into a cell phone, letting everyone know that she "just got my period, thank God. Kenny Wayne and me just aren't ready for another one."

Folks, be aware of your surroundings. Keep your voice down when you should. I really don't need to know that "Gary was busted with some weed last night" because you don't know how to speak in quiet tones.

For a culture that seems to be really worried about privacy, you bastards seem to be quick to share a lot with anyone within earshot.


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