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2004-08-10 - 10:47 p.m.

You've seen it, I know you have. You have probably walked past it on the street, shared an elevator with it, you might even be married to it.

That's right, I'm talking about the dreaded QuadBoob.

This is a sight that every time I see it, I can't help but wonder why this exists in America. In a country as educated and wealthy as ours, why have we not been able to stamp out QuadBoob?

This is the condition that exists when a woman wears a bra that is at least one cup size too small, and the bra cup only covers halfway up the breast. This causes a definite line of demarcation in the middle of the breast, allowing the breast to "spill over" the top of the bra cup. And when that woman wears a blouse or shirt over her undersized bra, it creates four bulges, appearing to be four separate breasts. One set of boobs right over a second set of boobs. Thus, the dreaded QuadBoob.

Being a former employee of Victoria's Secret, this really troubles me. The lingerie industry makes bras in so many colors, shapes, coverages, soft cup, underwire, front hooks, back hooks and so on, that there is no reason for QuadBoob to be spreading across this country. If you go to buy a bra at many lingerie stores, they will help fit you for a bra, right there in the store. At no extra charge. With this type of selection and convenience available to women all over this country, why, oh why does QuadBoob exist?

Ladies, get it sorted out. When you are walking around with QuadBoob, it looks really bizarre. Like those four-breasted alien women in the science fiction films. And it really creeps me out.

Don't get me wrong! I like boobs. I like them a lot. I love boobs. But I really only like two of them on my women. Plus, I think that most men would prefer two good sized boobs, instead of what looks like four "smallish" ones. Quality before quantity, ladies. Quality before quantity.

So, please, go to your local lingerie store. Get properly fitted for a bra. It's a weird series of mathematical equations to get it right. But once they get it right, you will look, and feel, so much better.

And you will probably be able to breathe deeper as well.

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