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Driver's Ed
2004-06-14 - 12:04 p.m.

Driver's Ed

No one can drive better than I can drive. Just ask me.

Every time that I'm out on the road, I question what mental giant at the Department of Motor Vehicles was giving out licenses without making anyone take the tests. Here are the folks that really aggravate me with their existence when they are behind the wheel…

1) Hair and Makeup Lady: I know that you’ve been behind her in traffic on your way to work. This is the lady that instead of waking up fifteen minutes earlier to fix her hair and makeup, somehow figures that it’s safe to do these things in the car as she is driving to work. I once witnessed a woman use a cellphone, apply eye makeup, curl her hair, and eat a bagel on her drive to work. How anyone can do any one of these things, and feel like they aren't being unsafe puzzles me. I’m pretty certain that performing your entire morning routine while driving is pushing the envelope. However, I did get a bit of cosmic justice on that one. A few months after witnessing the cellphone/makeup/haircurl/bagel deal, I read a story in the Fortean Times about a woman who was putting on her makeup while driving. She rear-ended someone while applying her lipstick, knocked the lipstick down her throat, and choked to death. Remember people: Karma's gonna get you.

2) Creeping Guy: This is the eedjit that pulls up to a stoplight, comes to a complete stop for at least 0.6 seconds, then begins creeping forward ever so slowly. By the time the light turns green, this schmuck’s already halfway into the intersection. Look dick, if you’re going to be that impatient and inconsiderate, grow a set and just run the light. If I’m at all lucky Hair and Makeup Lady’ll broadside you in the intersection. I’ll make certain to wave as I drive past you AFTER THE LIGHT HAS TURNED GREEN!

3) Oblivious Teen Girl: You’ve seen her. Way too young to afford the car that she’s driving, so it’s most certainly a gift from her “I-Divorced-Your-Mother-But-Need-To-Show-You-It’s-Not-Your-Fault-So-I’ll-Buy-You-Anything-That-Will-Assuage-My-Guilt-For-Another-Week” Father. There’s always Mardi Gras beads and a tiny stuffed unicorn hanging from her rear-view mirror. And she’s WAY too busy switching CDs to sing along with Avril to care about the cars around her. Frequently seen driving with Backward Baseball Cap Fred Durst Wannabe guy in the passenger seat.

4) You're In My Spot / Tailgate Person: Everyone hates a tailgater, but I also hate the driver that’s certain that he can utilize the area in front of my car so much better than me. This is the guy that rides my ass for a mile, sees that there is more than a car length of space between my car and the car ahead of me, so he zips past me to get into that space. In the interest of safety, I back off of his backside, and then the guy behind me does the same damn thing. If you’re ever driving on the 270 beltway in Columbus, Ohio, watch out. That beltway is filled with these eedjits.

5) Four-Lane Change Person: My first introduction to this brilliant soul was in Anaheim, California. Evidently, in California you can signal from the far left lane on a four-lane freeway, and move to the far right lane to make your exit, all in one swift motion. As long as the turn signal has flashed at least once, that should be considered ample warning to traffic in all other lanes to yield to this hurtling piece of machinery with the jackass behind the wheel. And we wonder why people shoot at other drivers on the California freeways?

6) I Just Missed My Exit Person: This person has just noticed that he is passing his exit. He also decides that instead of driving to the next exit and driving back to his intended exit, the superior plan is to slam on his brakes, pull over to the shoulder, put his car in reverse, back up to the bottom of the exit ramp, attempt to accelerate from zero to forty to squeeze into traffic, and drive up the exit ramp. I should be allowed to drive into this person, pull them out of the car, beat them with their beaded car seat cover, and leave them for dead in the ditch at the bottom of the exit. And park their car over them. Flipping off people just isn’t making my anger subside.

7) The Wanderer: This is the person that can’t decide if they should stay in their current lane or the lane beside them. Until they can determine which lane will best serve their purposes, they swerve gently across one lane and the other, making other people drive by with one wheel on the shoulder to avoid being hit by the waltzing car. I’d almost understand if they were drunk, but they are generally sober. Or at least they shout “f*ck off” without slurring their speech after they see me flip them off while passing, so I assume that they are sober.

So, please License Fairy, stop bringing driving licenses to the undeserving boys and girls. They’re only going to hurt someone. And if there is any sort of Cosmic Justice at work in the Universe, it will be License Fairy that gets hit. At least that’s what I’d like to think.

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